Log Jokes / Recent Jokes

TWO GUYS WERE HUNTING AND GOT SEPARATED. JOE DECIDED TO TAKE A DUMP, AND AFTER HANGING HIS ASS OVER A LOG HE SOON FELL ASLEEP MEANWHILE HIS BUDDY SHOT A DEER WHILE DRAGING IT BACK TO HIS RIG HE NOTICED HIS BUDDY ASLEEP ON THE LOG AS A PRANK HE GUTTED THE DEER AND PLACED THE PILE OF GUTS UNDER HIS FRIEND'S ASS AFTER RETURNING TO THE TRUCK HE TOO WAS TIRED AND TOOK A NAP A FEW HOURS LATER HE AWOKE TO SEE JOE TRUNDLING ACROSS THE FEILD "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU JOE? LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST" WELL I HUNG MY ASS OVER A LOG TO TAKE A DUMP AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP I MUST HAVE SHIT MY GUTS OUT IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD AND A GREASY STICK I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THEM BACK IN

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?"
"Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1...".

Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don`t add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What`s left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix`s wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you`re supposed to put the keys more...

The Ghost Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but
there's no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit-
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
theres
no shit on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit-
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end
up
putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
ruin
them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Shit-
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt
cheeks
get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Liquid Shit-
That's the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your arse,
splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time
burning
your tender anus.

The Mexican Food Shit-
In a class of it's own.

The Marketing Shit-
A turd which is more...

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs, and get talkin' about them. First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot.
"Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

The stockings are hung on the chimney
And the presents are under the tree
And mama's in the kitchen making some herbal tea
The windows are covered with frost
The candles are all alight
But as I wander through this quiet house
Something just doesn't seem right
You see, every year the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony beef log
But the neighbors aren't around
There's no beef log to be found
this year Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony beef log
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't know how I'll get along

-- from the South Park Christmas cd,
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"

A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his
penis is
too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can
shorten
it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his
story.
"Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex
with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man
uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her
head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What
you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond more...