Ass Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

    Chuck Norris is the only man who can kick your ass in the head!

    ' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
    The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
    The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
    It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
    Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
    Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
    When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
    That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
    Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
    Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
    The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
    Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
    With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
    A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
    Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
    And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
    Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, more...

    A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

    "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

    After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

    "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

    So the more...

    A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'."

    The 4-year-old happily agrees.
    As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

    The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

    "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

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