Ass Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

    Chuck Norris kick

    Hot 4 years ago

    Chuck Norris is the only man who can kick your ass in the head!

    The Shit List

    Hot 5 years ago

    THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

    THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

    THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

    THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

    THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as' Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit'. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

    THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary.

    THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into more...

    ' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
    The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
    The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
    It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
    Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
    Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
    When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
    That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
    Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
    Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
    The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
    Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

    When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
    With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
    A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
    Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
    And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
    Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, more...

    Learning to Swear

    Hot 2 years ago

    A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'."

    The 4-year-old happily agrees.
    As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

    The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

    "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"

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