Log Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The Shit List

    Hot 4 years ago

    THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

    THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

    THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

    THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

    THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as' Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit'. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

    THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary.

    THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into more...

    Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove

    Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove

    Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove

    Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

    Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

    Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

    Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

    Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm

    Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season

    Enter - Come on in

    Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

    Screen - What is a must during black fly season

    Chip - What you munch during a football games

    Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

    Modem - What you did to your fields last July

    Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's more...

    The stockings are hung on the chimney
    And the presents are under the tree
    And mama's in the kitchen making some herbal tea
    The windows are covered with frost
    The candles are all alight
    But as I wander through this quiet house
    Something just doesn't seem right
    You see, every year the neighbors bring us
    A Swiss Colony beef log
    But the neighbors aren't around
    There's no beef log to be found
    this year Christmas isn't Christmas
    Without a Swiss Colony beef log
    Without those cheeses and meats
    I don't know how I'll get along

    -- from the South Park Christmas cd,
    "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"

    Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.

    First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."

    The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.

    Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"

    The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.

    Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

    You need to log on to the window repair website! I did - but it gave me a pane!

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