Dead Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Hunters

    Hot 1 year agoby Funny J

    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

    I Screwed your mom

    Hot 1 year ago

    A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him,' 'I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

    Again, he hears,' 'Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

    The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,' 'Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

    Sexual Quickes

    Hot 1 year ago

    The three words most hated by men during sex:' 'Are you done?'' The three words women hate to hear when having sex...''Honey, I'm home!''
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    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 lbs.
    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes
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    Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
    A: Sexual harassment
    Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
    A: $3.99 a minute
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    One sperm says to the other,' 'How far is it to the ovaries?'' The other one says,' 'Relax. We just passed the tonsils.''
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    Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
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    Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
    A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
    Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
    A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
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    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, more...

    There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...
    1. To be shot
    2. To be hung
    3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
    The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
    The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
    Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
    The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing.
    Finally the warden said "What is wrong with you?"
    The Newfie replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

    HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON'S FRIEND??
    The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
    note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
    1. James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an
    apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
    witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
    2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
    Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
    was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
    3. Vince Foster - Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
    Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
    head, ruled a suicide.
    4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
    Committee Chairman. Reported to have died more...

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