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    Arkansas Scholars

    Hot 6 years ago

    Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
    Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
    Q: What are steroids? A: more...

    On Cows and Government
    FEUDALISM
    You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk
    PURE SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
    You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
    FASCISM
    You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
    PURE COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
    You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the more...

    Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and more...

    "Scarlett Johansson Says She's Happy with Her Curves" -- Associated Press, Sept. 19, 2006


    And may we say we're happy for her. Next up: "Angelina Jolie Happy with Her Lips" and "Associated Press Happy with Hard-Hitting Entertainment Reporting About Breasts."

    What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball?' Steak Me Out to the Ballgame'!

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