Ugly Jokes / Recent Jokes

What`s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What`s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What`s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What`s the fastest way to a man`s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can`t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it`s good for the dishwasher to match more...

I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two on you.
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
How Can I Miss You If you Won't Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Knew you So Well.
I Still Miss you, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid she'd win.
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You here.
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss him.
She Got The Ring, And I Got The Finger.
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the No. 1 favorite country song is:
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've sure woke up with a few.

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was more...

your mama so ugly...she has to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her!

Your momma is so ugly that your dad has to take viagra to keep his appetite up.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.

Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly more...