True Story Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused
by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer more...

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know? "he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his more...

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz
Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing
that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.
From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caen's column

London, England:
The airline Virgin Atlantic plans to install bedrooms complete with
showers, Jacuzzis and double beds in its 747 jumbos to encourage travelers
to join the "Mile High Club", a report said Wednesday.
Ten to 12 rooms will be installed in the hold of airplanes and be accessed
by a staircase from the main cabin, the Sun newspaper said.
The price of a trip from London to New York would be around 2,900 pounds
($4,600).
"You can do it on cruise ships and trains, why not on a plane? Passengers
will find it comfy and romantic," airline boss Richard Branson was quoted
as saying.
The paper said Branson also plans a Kiddie Class, where airline nannies
and clowns will entertain children.

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to theft
subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor store. In
the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the name board
that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled - leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars.