February Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Car Parking
    The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19. 36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova' Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11. 15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
    Incorrect Driving
    The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator more...

    Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
    From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995
    Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    - Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
    Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
    - Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
    Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    - The New York Times, November 22
    Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    - The Los Angeles Times, November 2
    'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
    - Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
    Alcohol ads promote drinking
    - The Hartford Courant, November 18
    Malls try to attract shoppers
    - The Baltimore Sun, October 22
    Official: Only rain will cure drought
    - The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
    Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
    - The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
    Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    - Newsday, July 11
    Man shoots neighbor with machete
    - The Miami Herald, July more...

    In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
    Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
    game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

    In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he
    fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
    Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
    keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the

    On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
    robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
    lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
    The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
    The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
    fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
    handguns in public places;
    To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
    Police patrol car parked at the front door;
    An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
    coffee before reporting to duty.
    Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
    fired a few wild shots.
    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
    gene pool.
    Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one
    else was hurt.

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