Squirt Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I.
    Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
    Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
    Use the element of surprise. more...

    New Office Lingo

    Hot 5 years ago

    Blame storming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
    Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.
    Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
    Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
    Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
    Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
    Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
    SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
    Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being more...

    Get him laid. That's what he really needs. He will stop paying attention to you and pay attention to someone else.
    Use the direct approach. When he comes in, say, "I'm doing homework now. Can I talk to you later?." If that's too polite, say "Go away now. I'm doing homework."
    Use the "bad cat" approach. Purchase a high-powered squirt gun. Whenever he does something like that, say "I'm doing my homework. Anyone interrupting me will be wet." Then, blast away. He's been warned. I've discovered that this is an excellent way to keep my cat from scratching the furniture. I yelled at him and moved him until I realized that he was doing it for attention. After I squirted him three different times, he stopped permanently. Use a squirt bottle if the gun is too silly.
    Buy a monster stereo and some tapes of the Sex Pistols, the Misfits, the BeeGees, and Barry Manilow. Turn it on and play it really loud when you don't want to be more...

    I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
    II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
    III. Use the element of surprise. Pick more...

    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
    themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
    in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the
    dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
    I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
    believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the
    contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
    and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
    look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
    and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
    Juarez."
    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
    advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
    arm and head for the bathtub:
    Know that although the cat has the advantage of more...

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