Seconds Jokes

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    Chuck Norris Facts

    Hot 11 months ago

    1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
    2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
    6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
    7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
    9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
    10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...

    Tounge twister

    Hot 1 year ago

    Dr suess tonuge twister.
    See if you can do this read each
    sentence out loud!
    This is this cat
    This is is cat
    This is how cat
    This is to cat
    This is keep cat
    This is a cat
    This is dumbass cat
    This is busy cat
    This is for cat
    This is forty cat
    This is seconds cat.
    Now read only the the third line of each
    sentence!
    This is how to keep a dumbass
    busy for forty seconds.

    Buzz Buzz Buzz!

    Hot 1 year ago

    A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
    'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'
    'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'
    On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
    'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.
    'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!'
    'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'
    The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
    'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
    After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. more...

    0 to 200 in 6 seconds

    Hot 4 years ago

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Buzz Buzz Buzz!

    Hot 4 years ago

    A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel. 'Oh God!' she screams. 'Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!' 'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!' On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.'What seems to be the problem?' he asks. 'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman. 'Get it out!' 'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.' The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick. 'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, more...

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