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    The best fruit cake ever

    Hot 5 years ago

    1 cup butter
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    1 cup dried fruit
    1 tsp baking powder
    lemon juice
    1 cup brown sugar
    nuts
    1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
    Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
    Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
    Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
    To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
    With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
    Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
    Cry another cup.
    Open second bottle if necessary.
    Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
    If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
    Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
    Sample scotch again.
    Sift half cup of lemon juice.
    Fold in more...

    Cooking Turkey

    Hot 6 years ago

    20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey
    1. Go and buy a turkey.
    2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).
    3. Put turkey in the oven.
    4. Take another two drinks of whisky.
    5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.
    6. Take three more whiskies of drink.
    7. Turn oven the on.
    8. Take four whisks of drinky.
    9. Turk the bastey.
    10. Whisky another bottle of get.
    11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
    12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.
    13. Bake the whisky for four hours.
    14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
    15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
    16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.
    17. Turk the carvey.
    18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
    19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
    20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

    HOW TO COOK A...

    Hot 5 years ago

    HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
    Step 1: Go buy a turkey
    Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
    Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
    Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
    Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
    Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink
    Step 7: Turn oven the on
    Step 8: Take four whisks of drinkey
    Step 9: Turk the bastey
    Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
    Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
    Step 12: Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
    Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours
    Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
    Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
    Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
    Step 17: Turk the carvey
    Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
    Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
    Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

    Every year around this time, my sister makes an attempt to create what she says is her masterpiece of culinary delight (in fact, she usually makes two or three attempts) but alas, I have yet to sample even a tiny morsel of it.
    Here is the recipe she uses:
    1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
    1c. butter 1tsp. soda
    1tsp. sugar lemon juice
    2 large eggs brown sugar
    1c. dried fruit nuts
    Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit more...

    A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks more...

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