Haven Jokes

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    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

    YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

    Hot 2 years ago

    YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
    by George Carlin
    I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.
    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.
    I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
    I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
    I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
    I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
    My heroes are John more...

    Battle Hymn Of Term Finals
    (Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic) Mine eyes have seen the horror
    Of the ending of the term
    It has poisoned all my spirits
    Like an apple with a worm
    It's infected all my freedom
    Like an ugly cancer germ
    The truth shall soon be known. Chorus:
    Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known. I have listened to the teachers
    But the homework leaves me cold
    I have never done assignments
    Although many times been told
    I have even missed my classes
    When I was feeling bold
    The truth shall soon be known Chorus:
    Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known. They are adding all my points up
    And I haven't earned but few
    In fact, I haven't even gotten
    More than one or two
    Oh, if I could only find an more...

    1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
    2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
    3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.
    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
    5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.
    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
    there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
    8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am more...

    A Letter from Mom

    Hot 3 years ago

    Dear Son,
    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
    Love, Mom
    P.S. Was going to send you money, but the more...

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