New York City Jokes / Recent Jokes
A New York City man attempted to commit suicide yesterday by blowing up his townhouse, sending debris everywhere.
How selfish do you have to be to try and kill yourself and take the whole block with you? What a bad neighbor. You couldn't just jump off the building? Or better yet, stay inside and pop a few pills?
"Nah. If I go, I'm taking Starbucks, Taco Bell and the Gormans from next door with me."
To make it worse, the guy LIVED.
So, he's inconsiderate AND a failure. Oh, will there be dirty looks at the next block party.
Dear guy playing electric violin in the Union Square subway station in NYC,
I hate you.
I hate you because the "music" you're playing feels like crossbow bolts being shot into my head at close range.
I hate you because you have a long, frizzy ponytail and black jeans.
I hate you because your sonic assault is bouncing off the tiled walls and low ceiling of the subway station and is making me feel like I'm having a stroke.
I hate you because of that cheesy, "sexy illusionist" face you're making. Seriously, stop arching that eyebrow.
I hate you because "Rock Violin" is not a thing. Plugging it in does not change that.
I hate you because you've managed to gather a small crowd of overweight tourists that I'm forced to walk around.
I hate you because you have a CD of your work for sale in your open electric violin case.
I hate you because it sounds like you're killing a creature that is half cat, half baby.
But most of more...
NYC - City council lawmakers plan to introduce a bill that would ban trans-fats in city eateries. The mayor wants to change the health code as a way to banish the unhealthy fats, which are artificially created and are used to make french fries, and increase food's shelf life.
Stan Poulos, an opponent of these plans said, "The government can't tell me what to eat; it's my right to consume harmful fats, even though replacing them doesn't affect taste and could lessen my chance of heart disease."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home. I'm going to sit in my basement and breathe in lots of carbon monoxide. Because the last time I checked, this was still America."
Greetings everyone from Nassau! Not county, silly geese, the island in the Bahamas! This is a special island, because you can get rum cheap AND you can get bored in under 2 minutes!
But wait, it’s hot! Really hot! Like space-shuttle-with-faulty-panels hot.
Maybe Mr. Black-as-a-Bob-Marley-album taxi driver can give you a ride to a beach for $6/person which is walking distance away?! “It’s a deal mon!" Just for you and da famil-ee! I show you da sites! The aqua colored water, the palm trees, the big pink hotel! Ooooooooooo!!!! Holy shit mon!! Statue of Liberty who? Empire State Building wha?? You guys have a casino? Wow!!! Hey mon, you got yet them crazy inventions down here on da island known as air conditioning or deodorant?
Luckily you can get souvenirs! These islands specialize in t-shirts, 25 for $10, hmmmm, is that a scam? I dunno. They’re not gonna shrink are they? “Oh nooooo mon! Dey won't shrink.” Please, I bought one once. An XL. I got back to my more...
In a bold step to keep pace with the industry leaders, the nation's third largest drugstore chain, Rite Aid Corp., announced today it will purchase the U.S. Eckerd and Brooks pharmacies.
Not to outdone, Duane Reade spokeman Mchael Toblin also announced that NYC's ubiquitous pharmacy will now speed up their plan of turning every store in Manhattan into a Duane Reade.
The plan should be completed by next Tuesday.
A new school has opened in New York City. The first Gotham chapter of the Michigan based Charisma Arts will begin holding classes in August. The school is geared towards helping meet meet and connect with women without the prerequisite Jagermeister shots.
Courses range from the beginner course, "Women, Drop the 12-Sided Dice and Talk to Them" to the more advanced studies, "When to Use a Roofie" and "How to Act Like a Navy Seal."
Special Guest Lecturer and Professor Emeritus: Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan (Pictured Above)
Workers across New York City were concerned today as a strange gas-like odor filled the air. A statement by the mayor's office attributed the odor to a gas leak in Chelsea, however, many anticipate an additonal statement by Donald Trump attributing it to Rosie O'Donnell.