Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Santa: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Santa: It said "Pull"
by Peter Leppik
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "Is that it?"
Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...
My uncle Pepe immigrated from Cuba to the US as an adult, and thus had a very hard time dealing with English. The hardest part was learning how to curse properly.
He worked in construction, and one day one of his worker buddies says "man, Pepe, it's hot as a motherfucker."
My uncle Pepe tried hard to process that, and the next day, trying to fit in, turns to his buddy and goes "man, today, it is hot like I fucked your mother, no?"
A Tucson Arizona cable television provider has apologized to area customers after 30-seconds of porn was mistakenly shown during the Super Bowl. Customers angrily called when programming returned to the Super Bowl.
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.
That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.
The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."
The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.
At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"