Murder Jokes / Recent Jokes

ONE DAY A BLONDE WENT TO THE POST OFFICE FOR A JOB INTERVIEW. THE INTERVIEWER ASKED THE BLONDE WHAT 1 AND 1 WAS. SHE REPLIED "
ELEVEN"
. THE MAN SAID THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT I GUESS YOU ARE RIGHT. THEN HE ASKED HER WHAT THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS WAS. SHE REPLIED "
T"
HE SAID, THAT ISN'T WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT I GUESS YOU ARE RIGHT. THEN HE ASKED HER "
WHO KILLED ABE LINCOLN"
. SHE SAID.. I AM NOT SURE. HE TOLD HER TO GO HOME AND WORK ON IT. SHE WENT TO TELL HER FRIENDS HOW HER INTERVIEW WENT. THEY ASKED HER "
HOW DID THE INTERVIEW GO"
. SHE RESPONDED "
GREAT, SO GOOD IN FACT THAT I AM ALREADY WORKING ON A MURDER CASE"

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA is all the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A lawyer was appearing for the prosecution in a murder case where the accused's wife, a prostitute, was giving evidence of alibi to the effect that her husband was with her in her house at the time of the murder. Their home was some distance from the brothel where the lady carried on her business and where the murder had taken place at night - the usual working hour in her profession.
He proceeded to cross-examine her:' How is it that you were not at your place of business that night?'
'I practise my profession during the daytime,' she replied somewhat tartly.
'How can that be? Don't your patrons seek you at hours usual in the profession?'
'Oh, no, sir, she replied coquettishly.' Only goondas, badmashes and other lowly types visit brothels at night. Respectable gentlemen like yourself come in the daytime.'

Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say,' it could have been worse'."

"No way. You're on."

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old more...

"Are you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."

* * *

"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

* * *

"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

* * *

"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

* * *

"Could you see him from where you were standing? "
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."

* * *

"... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an more...

Phil Spector has been found guilty of 2nd-degree murder. His sentence will be a firing squad against a wall of sound.

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.
"This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to more...