A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But more...
A man, trying very hard to understand the nature of God, asks Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
"A million years is like a minute," God replies.
The man then asks, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" "A million dollars is like a penny," God replies.
After thinking for a moment, the man asks, "God, could you give me a penny?"
"In a minute!" replies God.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so more...
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion,
and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has
made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,
"Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building
over there. What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women
around.Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use
the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
woman. He goes to the captain and says,
"Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing
around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"
The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the
camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
The commander says, "Put me down more...
An old fraternity brother told us about a gag an undergrad girlfriend of his pulled off last semester: She disguised herself as a boy, joined TKE and the authorities never found out about it.
"Wait a minute," we objected. "If this girl joined a fraternity, she would have had to dress with the guys and shower with them."
"Well then, someone must have discovered she was a girl!"
"Probably," said our friend, downing his drink. "But who'd tell?"