Lottery Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old man is praying in a temple alone one day, and finally calls out to God, "I'm a good pious man Lord, so why must I be poor and destitute." God answers him, and says that he is sorry and he will be the next winner of the million dollar lottery. "Thank You my Lord," cries the old man. But months pass, and the winners are never him. Finally alone back in the temple, he calls out to God once again, "What happened God... did I misunderstand you, didn't you say I'd be the next winner of the lottery." And God answers "Do me a favor my son... buy a ticket!"
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
AFTER buying a lottery ticket with prize money of one lakh of rupees being offered, Banta Singh started walking towards the bus stop to go home. Since the DTC buses have a very irregular time, Banta picked up a conversation with a shabby-looking man standing next to him.
'You know Banta said proudly,' I am sure to win the lottery prize. Tomorrow I am going to be the richest man in India; I am going to buy all the factories of Tatas and Birlas, all other multinational companies too.'
After a long pause, the shabby-looking man said,' But who told you that I am going to sell them?'
A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!'' Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'' The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''
The angel, Eliyahu HaNavi, approached God, saying: "See that man over there? Every day, he slips a note in the Wailing Wall, asking to win the first prize in the lottery. Please let him win."
God: "But...."
Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: "He's a good man. He deserves to win. He performs many acts of charity."
God: "But..."
Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: "Let him win - if not for his sake, then for the sake of his twelve children."
God: "But he never buys a ticket."
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
"God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"
Lottery night! Someone else wins...
Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!"
Lottery night again! Still no luck...
Jock prays again. " Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.