Ticket Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Train Ride

    Hot 1 year ago

    Three PhDs and three MDs are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three MDs buy their three tickets and watch as the three PhDs buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" says one MD. "Just watch and you'll see," answers a PhD.
    They all board the train and the MDs take their seats and watch as all three PhDs cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket,
    please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
    The MDs see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MDs decide to copy the PhDs on the return trip and save some money (managed care and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the more...

    Airline Flasher

    Hot 1 year ago

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

    Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

    Lottery Ticket

    Hot 5 years ago

    A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
    The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
    The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
    Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
    The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

    Three engineers and threeaccountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountantseach buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seatsbut all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train hasdeparted, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom doorand says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emergeswith a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy theengineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). Whenthey get to the station they buy a single more...

    Lottery ticket

    Hot 4 years ago

    Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays, "Dear God, I work hard but my business isn't doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you don't want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?"
    The next week he's back. "God, my wife, she's moving out and I'm getting audited by the IRS. And my daughter, she's running around with a such a sleaze, would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?"
    The next week, Sid's back. God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, leaving me to pay the taxes with money I don't have cause she cleanned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, she's pregnant by that nogoodnik who ran off as well. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?"
    At that moment a beam of light comes blazing through the window as the clouds outside part and a voice booms down, "Sidney, meet me half way on this one, BUY A TICKET!!!"

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