Lottery Jokes / Recent Jokes
Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and
can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot
and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery
organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.
So there he is, at the press conference with the
photographers and the oversized novelty check etc...
when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack",
he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the
prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well,
a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers
and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I
know we're meant to be given you the whole 10
million today but, and here me out, how about we
give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week
after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll
give you the other million in the fourth week. How
does that sound?"
Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw
around more...
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
One Sunday, Shane walks into a church and kneels down at the altar and begins to pray to God, stating that he owes many people money and asks to win the lottery. After he is done praying, he gets up and walks out.
The next Sunday he goes to the same church and pleads with God through his prayers to let him win the lottery so that he can pay these people back.
The next Sunday comes around and Shane enters the church very upset and close to tears, he kneels at the alter and asks why God is doing this to him and say's that he has asked to win the lottery for three weeks now and nothing. Suddenly there came a loud bang of thunder and God spoke, "Shane, meet me halfway: Buy a damn ticket!"
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Betty came home to her husband one afternoon and exclaimed, "Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!!"
He said, "Really?!? Wow! What should I pack for? Hawaii? A cruise? Europe?"
"I don't care," she replied, " just get your ass out of here."
Q: How are women and the lottery alike?
A: You pay to play, and then you pray that you might get lucky!