Gambling Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Making bets

    Hot 8 years ago

    A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

    Gambling

    Hot 6 years ago

    A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"

    A man goes into a bar, and he looks like a complete bum. He sits down and asks for a bottle of brandy. The bartender says"
    I am going to have to see some money first"
    . So...out of his pocket, the bum takes a HUGE wad of 20's 50's and 100 dollar bills.
    The bartender...stunned of course says "
    Jesus crist, how did you get all that?"
    The man replies, "
    I am a gambling man."
    "
    But gambling is only 50/50. How can you win so much money!?"
    "
    I only bet on the things I know I can win on."
    Says the gambler. "
    take this for example. I bet you $200 I can bite my right eye."
    The bartender says "
    Yeah right. Go ahead."
    So the man takes out his right false eye and bites it.
    "
    Damn you! You jipped me"
    the bartender yelled."
    and gave the man $200
    "
    That's how I win money. ok...got another one. I'll bet you another $200 I can more...

    A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and... took all three before the local judge.
    After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"
    The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
    "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.
    The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
    Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
    The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, "With whom?"

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