Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, more...
A burgler walked into a quiet little house at the end of a road.
He was stealing diamonds when he hears
"Jesus is watching you"
The guy freaks and turns around, seeing nothing he goes back to stealing diamonds.
And again he hears
"Jesus is watching you"
He turns around again and this time sees a parrot in a corner cage saying
"Jesus is watching you"
The guy gets all embarrassed about freaking out over a little parrot and says
"who do you think you are"
the bird replies
"Moses"
"What kind of idiot names their bird Moses"
"The same idiot who named their pitbull Jesus"
New, from Mattel...!
[ANNOUNCER]
New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!
[VOICE OVER]
[child #1]
"Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
getting away!"
[whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."
[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
"Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"
[ANNOUNCER]
Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.
[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]
He's back from the dead and he's pissed.
[VOICE OVER]
[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?"
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even more...
And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."And Jesus said, "What?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew more...
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world... In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to more...