Enough Jokes / Recent Jokes
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)
SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation
Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
Good evening.
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.
Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...
(Age 22)1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates the finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprises10. An imaginative, romantic lover(Age 32)1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant4. Listens more then he talks5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal9. Remembers anniversaries10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week(Age 42)1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids9. Remembers to put more...
Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring an empty pot with a stick.
"Hi," he said, introducing himself, "I'm an astronaut here to discover things about the moon."
The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him quite a pleasant smile. "How nice it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed. Throwing off her clothes, she asked, "And am I structured as are earth women?"
"Yes, you are," answered the now-excited astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"
"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.
"Now would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut. The girl agreed and the astronaut proceeded more...
George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
There are never enough hours in the day, but always too many days before Saturday.