Attack Jokes / Recent Jokes

A businessman comes home for lunch to his high rise apartment and while he's putting his key in the door, his wife is in bed with another guy, and hears the door. It's my husband! she exclaimed. Panicked, the guy runs, naked, looking for a place to hide. He decides on the refrigerator and gets inside of it.

Meanwhile, the husband, suspecting his wife of cheating, demands to know where the guy is hiding. He tears the apartment up, then in a rage, picks up the fridge and throws it out the window. The strain caused him to have a massive heart attack and he dies. At the gates of Heaven, he is greeted by St Peter and is asked, "How did you die?"

He replies, "I came home from work, thought my wife had a man in the apartment, got pissed, threw the fridge out the window, had a heart attack and died"

St Peter wrote this in his book, then asked this naked guy beside of the businessman hiw he had died. The guy says, "Well, I was just more...

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.
"How horrible" said the friend, "what did you do?"
The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do, he kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey with a more...

NAME: Trouser Snake (Expetirious Trouseris)

LOCATION; Throughout the world.

DESCRIPTION:

One eyed with mushroom-shaped head (others types may come with extra layers of skin)

*Varying from pink to black.

*Fang-less with a highly venomous spit (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet).

*Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS; This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.

*WARNING* BEWARE: It has been know to attack men in the lower abdomen!!!!!!!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms. Likes dark damp caves. but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccines are available for women. However once the venom is injected into the body only drastic more...

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his more...

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," says the wife.
"I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...