A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.' What's up?' he says.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,' Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.' You jerk,' yells the husband,' my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'
Two young boys were at a waterfall. They saw a naked women underneath the water. One of the boys ran away and the other one followed him saying, why are you running? The first boy said, my mother said that if you look at a naked woman, you turn to stone... And I am already becoming hard !
If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...
3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"
The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when more...
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"