Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup brown sugar
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in more...
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said,' 'I'm off. The man should be here soon''.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.' 'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really?'' the photographer asked.' 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and more...
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets more...
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full... of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans... we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the more...