This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of' em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to more...
An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.
The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.
The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.
The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...
1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars more...
Bush, Manmohan(indian prime minister), Aishwarya rai and Sonia(sonia gandhi head of opposition in indian goverment) are traveling in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.
Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make more...
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?
Sweetheart: We're in my more...