Thee Jokes / Recent Jokes

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. more...

Cesium

Cesium,' tis of thee,
Thy' positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

---Songs of Cesium #65

1> "Hie thee away, scoundrel, lest this metallic vessel be oped; its whoop-ass forthwith unleash'd."

2> "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For verily, thou art a douche-bag!"

3> "Unbridled envy wouldst thine ample codpiece inspire, save that it concealeth naught but a minnow."

4> "Get thee to a nunnery! For next to nun, methinks, is thy prospect of victory."

5> "Faugh! Thy putrid exhale couldst topple the carrion fowl from off his perch, atop a cart with human refuse laden."

6> "Thou mewling swag-bellied scullion! Thou wretched folly-fallen cutpurse! Most grievously doth thy visage offend the eye, thou droning flap-mouthed pignut!"

7> "Behind yon mask of red and gold, what coxcomb struts and frets in dainty tights, unswell'd by manly cord?"

8> "Of fruitless issue is thy ill-spoken slander! For elastic is my composition, whilst more...

Cesium
Cesium, 'tis of thee,
Thy 'positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.
-Songs of Cesium #65

Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.
If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.
Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.
If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground
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Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.
For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".
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If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"
If you are Jewish, and more...