Success Jokes / Recent Jokes

Survivor
Flush with the success of its latest creation, CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor. 16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets £1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59). The Rules:
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women), or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved more...

At age 4, success is.................. not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is.................. having friends.
At age 20, success is.................. having sex.
At age 35, success is.................. making money.
At age 70, success is.................. having sex.
At age 80, success is.................. having friends.
At age 90, success is.................. not peeing your pants.

There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

What is the secret of success?
"push" said the doorbell
"never be lead" said the pencil
"Take panes" said the window
"always keep cool" said the ice
"never lose your head" said the drum
"make light of everything" said the fire
"be sharp in all your dealings" said the knife
"find a good thing and stick to it" said the glue

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable more...

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

So, this guy walks into a bar and tries without success to hit on several women. The bartender, who has been observing his lack of success, tells him "Your problem is that you don't have the right profession to impress these ladies. What you need to do is tell them that you have an upscale job, like a doctor or c. p. a. or lawyer. That's the kind of guy these women are looking for".
The guy takes his advice: "... and what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, well, I'm a lawyer."
"OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh"
And with the typical quickness of action that you find in jokes, the guy soon ends up in bed with his newfound lady friend. As their activity intensifies, our hero suddenly bursts out in laughter.
"What, what, I don't understand. What's so funny." she asked.
"I was just thinking. Here I've only been a lawyer for 3 hours, and already I'm screwing someone."