Abraham Jokes

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    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
    Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
    Both were shot in the head.
    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both were succeeded by Southerners.
    Both successors were named Johnson.
    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
    Both assassins were know by their three names.
    Both names more...

    Orange Yarn

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    Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says,' Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.'

    Abe says,' OK.'

    The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

    The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe.' What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?'

    Straightfaced, Abe replies' I'm very careful when I deal with more...

    This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and more...

    This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
    1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
    hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
    Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
    have to live elsewhere.
    2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
    book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
    apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
    brother's son?"
    3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
    unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
    Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
    died before he ever reached Canada.
    4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
    5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
    we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
    female moth.
    6. more...

    Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
    Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
    (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
    (2) Advising the President.
    (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
    -David Letterman

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