Sober Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    English drinking

    Hot 4 years ago

    A very British one:
    0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
    1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
    2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
    3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
    4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
    5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
    6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
    7. Send more...

    Get Sober!

    Hot 2 years ago

    As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

    Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
    I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
    morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
    -Frank Sinatra
    The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
    -William Butler Yeats
    An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
    -Ernest Hemingway
    Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
    -Ernest Hemingway
    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
    -Dean Martin
    Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
    -Anonymous
    No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
    -G.K. Chesterton
    Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
    -Catherine Zandonella
    Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
    -Ambrose more...

    'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
    'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
    'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
    'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
    'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
    'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
    'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
    'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
    'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
    'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
    'If God had more...

    By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale.It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, more...

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