Heaven Jokes

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth... the rest was made in China.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy"."So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!""Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this more...

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well.
However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well, mumbled Lucy, "Soon after you left for more...

3 girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with more...

Sam the Clam and Olly the Oyster were the best of friends until, one day, Olly the Oyster died. On his way to Heaven, Olly met Saint Peter at the gate. "Here is your harp," Saint Peter said.
The following day, Olly went up to St.Peter and said, "I need to go back to earth to say goodbye to my good friend, Sam the Clam."
"Okay," Saint Peter replied, "but you only have until 11:59PM to get back or you will have to go down to Hell." Olly agreed and off he went.
When Olly the Oyster went down to earth, he found out that Sam the Clam had opened up a disco. Olly and Sam partied right up until 11:58PM. Then, Olly the Oyster ran all the way up to Heaven and got there just before Saint Peter closed the gate on him.
The next day, Olly the Oyster approached Saint Peter and asked him if he could go back to earth.
"I'm sorry," replied Saint Peter, "but you were there yesterday and I can't allow it. more...