Saint Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
    The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
    Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
    The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
    Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
    Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
    Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

    Laloo Yadav

    Hot 1 year ago

    Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, “This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of us in the plane.
    Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here. ” Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, “Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live! ” She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
    Laloo Yadav said, “I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live! ” Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
    The old saint said to the school boy, “There is only one parachute left, and there are more...

    Lunch for the Lama

    Hot 4 years ago

    A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
    A clergyman at the Pearly Gates "A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission.
    "I'm sorry, gentlement," Saint Peter said, "but the gates are broken."
    The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for ten dollars.
    "Why ten dollars?" Saint Peter asked.
    "Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material," the builder explained.
    "What about you" Saint Peter asked the Clergyman. "Can you fix them?"
    "Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans' fund, ten for the church's building fund, and ten for the poor box."
    "And you, can you fix them?" Saint Peter asked the politician.
    "Of course," the politician replied. "But I'll need $110."
    "A hundred ten more...

    A Penthouse In Heaven

    Hot 5 years ago

    The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

    Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

    Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
    "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

    "I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

    "I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

    The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

    Next morning at the funeral, the more...

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