Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates,
where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St.
"Margaret Thatcher," she replies.
St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name
of the former British leader. "I am sorry," he says, "you cannot come in. Your
place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, "Hello
Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after
all - she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces
to reduce capacity."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this more...
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
A clergyman at the Pearly Gates "A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission.
"I'm sorry, gentlement," Saint Peter said, "but the gates are broken."
The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for ten dollars.
"Why ten dollars?" Saint Peter asked.
"Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material," the builder explained.
"What about you" Saint Peter asked the Clergyman. "Can you fix them?"
"Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans' fund, ten for the church's building fund, and ten for the poor box."
"And you, can you fix them?" Saint Peter asked the politician.
"Of course," the politician replied. "But I'll need $110."
"A hundred ten more...
There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there`s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man`s distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates:
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".