Lobster Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
    "Go ahead, Little Johnny."
    "My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
    "That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
    Again Little Johnny raises his hand.
    "We'll give you another chance."
    "My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

    Republicans in Hell

    Hot 1 year ago

    While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
    "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing more...

    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had more...

    Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

    "We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.

    "Why?" gasped Declan.

    "Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

    Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

    Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The more...

    One day a little girl heard her big sister talk on the phone and she said bitch and barstards. The little girl asked her sister what bitches and barstards ment. She said Ladies and Gentlemen.
    The next day she saw her mum putting on makeup she said SHIT! the little girl asked what shit ment. Her mum said Makeup.
    The next day her dad was cooking a lobster and he said Fuck the little girl asked what that ment and he said cooking.
    So one night her mum had a party and the little girl yelled out "Hello bitches and barstards, my mum has shit on her face and my dad is fucking a lobster."

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