(To be left on an answering machine, or as a general prank call)
"You know, the strangest thing happened to me today... I asked the devil for a condom, and he gave me three. I asked the devil for a dollar, and he gave me ten. Then I asked the devil for a ho and he gave me this number."
Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.
Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."
The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't more...
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fuck out.
One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer.
Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief.
Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance.
The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge.
Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead.
A few minutes more...
A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads."