Spend Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Bill Clinton in Hell

    Hot 2 years ago

    Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron. "I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."He looks more...

    Republicans in Hell

    Hot 6 years ago

    While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
    "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing more...

    Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
    Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    Read less. Makes you think.
    Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
    Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
    Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
    Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
    Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
    the largest ball of twine.
    Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
    Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    Not have eight children at once.
    Get in a whole NEW rut!
    Start being superstitious.
    Personal goal: bring back disco.
    Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
    Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
    Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
    system.
    Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
    Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
    words.
    Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
    chain or rope for a belt.
    Spend my more...

    College by Dave Barry

    Hot 2 years ago

    College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to more...

    BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
    BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
    BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
    CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
    COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
    CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"
    DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
    DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
    ERROR - What more...

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