Herself Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The Romantic Sailor

    Hot 6 years ago

    A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing more...

    Forgetfulness

    Hot 6 years ago

    [Not good reading, but good for a group]
    An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
    gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ''Was I getting into the
    tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ''Bernice! Was I getting
    into the bathtub or getting out?''
    Bernice says, ''Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.''
    Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
    up and thinks to herself, ''Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She
    calls out ''Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''
    Sally, down in the living room calls back, ''How should I know?'' and
    thinks to herself, ''I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people
    in this house.''
    So Sally starts...
    Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

    Tazer Test

    Hot 2 years ago

    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
    What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
    Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

    Make a Wish

    Hot 6 years ago

    10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.
    Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.
    He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating " Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man."
    Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.
    Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and more...

    Shot To The Heart

    Hot 2 years ago

    Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
    She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
    "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
    Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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