Staff Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Early Retirement

    Hot 7 months ago

    To all staff
    Early Retirement
    Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
    Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...

    The President Must Go

    Hot 6 months ago

    Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
    front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written
    in urine across the snow.
    Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and
    yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
    wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
    did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
    at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
    find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!" The
    entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
    Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well
    Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
    you want first?"
    Clinton says, "Oh more...

    Hot 5 years ago

    to: ALL staff
    from: Office of Superintendant
    re: "Teacher In Service Training" schedule (TITS)
    In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is now required to supply bigger and better TITS for each employee.
    We are therefore, pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). It is our intention to give each member of the staff as much SHIT as possible. Advancement, salary increases and job changes will be dependent on the amount of SHIT you have taken.
    Employees who feel they have taken as much SHIT as they can may apply to the School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (SCREW).
    All employees are expected to be SCREW'd at least annually.
    If you have taken SHIT and have been SCREW'd within the past academic year, you will be eligible to receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (SHAFT). Any employee who has been given the SHAFT will not be expected to take as much SHIT the more...

    Princess Nursing home

    Hot 6 years ago

    About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
    At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,
    busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
    I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
    As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
    She replied, "Yes, that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home".
    After talking with her, I decided there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
    The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per more...

    A Retiring Boss

    Hot 4 years ago

    A retiring boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card on his farewell party.

    He could then remember how his staff "missed" him. Most staff members were writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," "We will always remember you," etc.
    The boss was not satisfied and asked, "I need something from the bottom of your heart... Peter, you have been working with me for the last 40 years. You are my best staff. What do you have to say?"
    Slowly but firmly, Peter wrote, "The best news in 40 years."

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