1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars more...
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
Yogi Berra Quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
Rodney Dangerfield jokes
A girl phoned me the other day and said. ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work. .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy. ... Hey buddy. ... why are you doing that for? He said. ... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning. ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed more...
Quotes about computers and software and other things
' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn
'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown
'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius
'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'
'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...