Quotes Jokes

1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars more...

Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

Quotes about computers and software and other things

' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn

'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown

'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius

'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'

'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'

PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...

: Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Keep honking while I reload.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

So... who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support cannibalism -- EAT ME!

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you more...

Editor's Note: Not really all humor, unless you consider grown men in tights slapping each others asses funny...

#1. Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
' Football is only a game.
Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas'

#2.' After you retire from football, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3.' The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4.' When you win, nothing hurts.' Joe Namath / Alabama

#5.' Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6.' If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password,' Roll, tide, roll!' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7.' A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' Frank Leahy / Notre more...