Quotes Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Problem solving quotes

    Hot 1 year ago

    1. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    2. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

    3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

    4. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

    6. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

    7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

    9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

    10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

    11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars more...

    Real Dilbert Quotes

    Hot 1 year ago

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    6. more...

    More Religion Quotes

    Hot 3 years ago

    I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

    A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

    Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

    Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

    Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

    Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

    Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

    Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer

    A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

    In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.

    Televangelists: The Pro more...

    Quotes of Yogi Berra

    Hot 6 years ago

    Yogi Berra Quotes

    "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

    "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

    "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

    "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

    "We made too many wrong mistakes."

    "You can observe a lot by just watching."

    "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

    - From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

    - "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

    - "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

    - "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

    - "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

    - "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

    - "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

    - "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (

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