Screwed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    I Screwed your mom

    Hot 2 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him,' 'I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

    Again, he hears,' 'Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

    The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,' 'Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

    Early Retirement

    Hot 1 year ago

    To all staff
    Early Retirement
    Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
    Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...

    "Can I help you?" the madam asked
    "I want Natalie," the elderly man replied.
    "Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else..."
    "No," said the man, "I must see Natalie."
    Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.
    The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.
    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever paid for more...

    A female employee was walking by when she noticed three guys in an office were all moaning about the fact that they were going to be audited.
    "I'm screwed!" moaned the first guy.
    "I'm screwed too!" groaned the second guy, holding his head in his hands.
    "This audit is going to fuck me beyond recognition!" exclaimed the third guy.
    Suddenly they noticed the woman standing there with a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you all right?" one guy asked.
    "Yes," she replied. "I'm wondering though... could you tell me how I go about getting audited?"

    A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny.
    One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find.
    As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
    Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it.
    When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen more...

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