Early Jokes

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    Hot 2 years ago

    An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
    The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
    Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address or internet access you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a more...

    Early Retirement

    Hot 2 years ago

    To all staff
    Early Retirement
    Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to give all workers over 30 yrs an early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED & SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme For Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
    Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependant or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Early Personnel Scheme). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
    Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's more...

    Skipping Work

    Hot 6 years ago

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work together in an office building. Their female boss always leaves work early. So one day the brunette says, "Lets skip out early today. No one will notice."
    So they all leave work early. The brunette goes to a movie, and the redhead goes to a few bars. The blonde though wanted to go home and have sex with her husband.
    She arrives home and goes into her bedroom where her husband and her boss are having sex. The blonde quietly slips out the door and runs from her house.
    The next day when the brunette suggested they skip work again the blonde replied, "No way! I almost got caught yesterday."

    Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
    8. The more...

    Christmas Groaners 2

    Hot 8 months ago

    The remaining local ranchers headed by the cattle baroness Clare D Looney
    eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only
    competition( two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take
    drastic, but traditional action.
    The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.

    Those modified sisters maintained strange yearnings from their previous selves
    and devised a plan to satisfy their impulses. On Christmas eve they planned to
    get Santa stuck in the chimney with his tender parts exposed in the fireplace.
    In hope that St Nick soon would be theirs.
    Both by Gary Reeves
    Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
    check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not
    have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you
    don't want.
    By Marsha in more...

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