Screwed Jokes / Recent Jokes

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said themadam.

"No, I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $ 1, 000 a visit. Without hesitation, the
man pulled out 10 one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $ 1, 000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, more...

Once upon a time there was a man, he lived in the woods. The woods got cold in the winter, and burning up in the summer. But in the spring and fall it was just right.
He lived alone, so he was always bored. He sometimes read a book, drew, or just sat on the middle of his cabin floor staring at stuff, since he didn't have cable.
The man had never had sex either so he always wondered how to do it. He had had directions along time ago from his mom and dad, but he couldn't remember all of them.
The man finally figured out how to do it. The only problem was that he had no woman to screw, so he thought up a plan.
He was to go to the city. But the city was 100 miles away, he had no car, and he had never been there, so he had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he had to go east.
So the man went east and ended up in the middle of the city.
He went automaticlly to a hooker and said I'll pay you to give me sex, the woman said okay!
They got to a hotel room and more...

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.
Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.
"This is an exclusive club. To join, you must slip a hundred dollars under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears again.
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam says, "What, again?"

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father. "The bull just screwed the brown cow!" There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say' The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow." The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!" "Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white more...

New Rules
New Rules
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority more...

To: All Staff
Cc:
From: Management
RE: Early Retirement
Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided more...

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay... NOW you're screwed."