Schwartz Jokes

A mortician was working late one night preparing bodies for burial. As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery. The man had the largest penis he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr.Schwartz," the mortician said, "but this has to be saved for posterity." The mortician detached the dead mans schlong, stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home.

"Honey," he said to his wife as he reached in to recover his prize, "I have something to show you that you won't believe."

"Oh, my God!" she screamed as it came into view. "Schwartz is dead?!"

Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow
pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz,
Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month.""Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"

Advancement
Morris Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children. Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when
he married and opened a bank account, he signed his cheques just "XX".
Morris then started his own business, which soon prospered. He became a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We weren`t sure you had really signed it. All these years, you`ve been signing your cheques, `XX`; this one is signed with three X`s..."
Morris replied, "Since I`ve become rich, my wife thought I should have a middle name"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen" "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital... Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! "But," his doctor said, "the insurance companies don't cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic." Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the "small" version, $6,500.00 for the "medium," and $14,000.00 for the "whopper." The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis. Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure. As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options. A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient's room, more...