Schwartz Jokes / Recent Jokes
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
Scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention, the CEO asked one of his top employees, Schwartz, to write a punchy, twenty minute speech for him.
After the big event, the CEO returned and he was furious. "What's the idea of writing an hour long speech for me?" he bellowed. "Half the audience got up and walked out before I was finished!"
Confused, Schwartz replied, "Sir, I wrote you a twenty minute speech. I also gave you the two extra copies you requested."
Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. more...
Schwartz walks into a theatrical agent's office, and he's carrying a little black bag.
The agent says, "Well, let's see your act."
Schwartz reaches into the black bag and takes out a hammer and a few walnuts. He puts the walnuts on his head and smashes them with the hammer.
He says to the agent, "Well, what do you think?"
The agent says, "That's your act?"
Schwartz says, "Yep."
The agent asks, "What else have you got in the black bag?"
Schwartz replies, "Aspirin."
A man was in a terrible car accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital...
Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! "But," his doctor said, "the insurance companies don't cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic."
Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the "small" version, $6,500.00 for the "medium," and $14,000.00 for the "whopper."
The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.
Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.
As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.
A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned more...
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"