500 Jokes

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    I own the fastest car

    Hot 11 months ago

    A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

    The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500, 000."

    "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

    The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

    "Sure" replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice more...

    A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500, 000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500, 000.""Thats a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?""Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?""Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "Thats a pretty nice car, alright!"Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the more...

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could more...

    [Original Author: Richard Lederer, St Paul's School]
    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
    student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
    genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
    college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
    The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
    Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
    the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
    cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
    created from an more...

    Dear Sirs,
    I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 in the Accident Report Form I put "Lost Presence-of-Mind" as the cause of my
    accident. You asked in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient....
    I am a bricklayer, by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I discovered I had about 500
    pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them down in a barrel, using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the building at the 6th floor.
    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went to the ground floor, untied the rope, holding it
    tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form, more...

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