A Jamaican tourist was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Australian, chewing gum, sat next to him.
The Jamaican politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started up a conversation. The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Jamaican folks eat the whole bread?"
The Jamaican frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to Jamaica."
The Australian had a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listened in silence. The Australian persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing the Jamaican replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Australian said, "We don't. In Australia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers more...
A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
'No way,' said the keeper, 'it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.'
'Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor, 'but why is it lying there licking its arse?'
'The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.'
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? more...