Riley Jokes / Recent Jokes

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley." Kelly said. "She gave me her purse, but it wasn't much use in a fight!"

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

Pat goes into the bar on a crutch, his arm in a sling and bandages all over his head.
The bartender says: "My God Pat, what the hell happened to you?"
Pat says: "I got in a brouhaha with Riley."
The bartender says: "But Riley's just a wee man and you're full grown. He must of had something in his hand."
Pat says: "That he did, a shovel."
The bartender says: "My God man, didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Pat says: "That I did. The breast of Mrs. Riley. Beautiful thing it was but not much use in a fight."

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER - -Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But.. . there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire? Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see.. . Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree.. . Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt.. . But the paramedics just pulled up. Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got? Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak. Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip.. . Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip? Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs. Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me! Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three. Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? more...

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through." So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!" With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."