Pregnancy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college.

My wife was filling out the medical claim form to pre-register for her
pregnancy (thank you very much!), and one particular section went like this:
What is the nature of the claim: Pregnancy
Is the claim related to your employment? Yes
What is your job? Homemaker

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you! ”, I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about. ” She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier! ” Then, she said “Oh, honey. There’s more. ” I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’? ” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS! ” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test more...

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began,

"My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Q. What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant.

A. Her Feet

From Comedy Central

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks." Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?" "A little more...""Like this?" "No. A little more...""Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"

Pregnancy humor which I lifted from Joyce Armor's 1989 book The Dictionary According to Mommy.
afterpainsa chance to relive the highlights of your labor.
amnesiathe condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
anestheticthe painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
bladderthe only part of Mommy that Baby flattens like a pancake during the last few weeks of pregnancy.
constipationNature's way of making pregnant women practice pushing.
due-datewhat only seems light-years away.
eating for twoa nice way to say "pigging out."
false laborall stressed up and nowhere to go.
forcepsgiant baby tweezers.
hard labora redundancy, like "working mother."
hospitalthe last place Mommy will get to rest until the next time she gives birth.
impregnablea woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
labor coachthe person who reminds you to breathe during labor.
misconceptiona pregnancy that more...