Performed Jokes / Recent Jokes

. ..'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.''Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!''Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.''Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?''It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.''And what does your present husband do for a living?''He's a mortician.''A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a more...

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was more...

1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Fourty-five years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 498. Q: And where is milepost 498? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? more...

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year.Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Question8. Q: Did more...

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: more...

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan. Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Question8. Q: more...