"Actual Quotes From Court" joke

1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Fourty-five years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 498. Q: And where is milepost 498? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do. A: Yes, voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision.
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
20. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
26. Q: Doctor, haw many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your reponses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral
28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for a blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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